How to be a perfect house guest
If you are lucky enough to have friends who live overseas or own a second home abroad you could save yourself a small fortune on hotels and villas. It sounds like the perfect cheap holiday: a comfortable place to stay, a chilled vibe, lots of good company, lazy days drinking wine by the pool.
Yet it’s amazing how often such plans end in acrimony. Friends that were fun in small doses become intolerable 24/7. As the hosts cheerily wave their guests goodbye they may be whispering to each other, “Never again!”
So if you want to enjoy your stay with friends – and get invited back – you need to be on your best behaviour. Here are the 10 rules of being a model house guest.
1. Before you book your flights or ferry, agree with your hosts how long you will stay. This may sound obvious but many guests arrive assuming they are bedding down for a week when the hosts were thinking two or three days. This is often the fault of the host who doesn’t want to seem mean and – after a few glasses of shiraz – says, “Come to our villa this summer. Stay as long as you like.” Experience suggests that three or four days is about right, perhaps a week if you’re great friends and follow all the rules below.
2. It’s vital to make a good impression when you arrive. Don’t turn up in the middle of a family row, or with hungry dehydrated children. Buy an extravagant gift for your hosts. A huge bouquet of flowers or a magnum of champagne should do the trick. As you’ll probably end up benefiting, buy both.
3. Food is one of the biggest causes of friction amongst house guests and hosts. Your friends will probably cook you dinner on the first day but after that you should contribute. Ask your hosts to write a shopping list, go to the supermarket to stock up and throw in plenty of extra treats.
4. Bathroom occupancy is another potential flash point. The best approach is to ask your hosts what time of day they like to do their ablutions and stay well clear. If you’re fortunate enough to get your own bathroom, keep it clean!
5. If you have children you are entering into a whole new world of potential aggravation. Obviously, your approach to parenting is absolutely spot on and “normal”. However, your hosts may have different ideas. For example, you may let little Freddie and Josh stay up until 10pm, whereas your friends tuck their kids up at 7.30pm. This is where you will have to bite your lip and follow local protocol. If you are on holiday with teenagers, agree with them on house rules beforehand.
6. Make yourselves at home. That means lay the table, peel the spuds, empty the dishwasher and put out the bins. It doesn’t mean clip your toenails in front of the TV and drop biscuit crumbs on the sofa.
7. Surprise your hosts with your generosity. On the second or third night offer to take everyone out for dinner at a local restaurant. Let them choose. Don’t use the word “cheap”, but if you say you’d like somewhere “authentic” the bill should be manageable. Be excessively generous, particularly when ordering drinks. Whatever the cost, just think how much you’re saving on hotel bills.
8. Make yourself scarce. The best type of house guests know when to disappear. If you’re staying at a villa, don’t spend all day loafing beside the pool – rent a car and explore the local beaches. If you’re in a city apartment you may be expected to disappear all day, every day. Make the beds and tidy up before you head out the door.
9. Have a contingency plan. Despite all your best efforts, things might not go so well. Perhaps your hosts will take exception to little Josh smashing that vase or peeing in the pool. Perhaps your admiration for your host’s spouse has become a little too obvious. Whatever the case, make sure you’ve got the phone number of a couple of local hotels.
Assuming it didn’t all end in tears, say thank you. Do it properly, not with a quick email, but a proper hand-written card. If you did break anything, include a cheque. If it isn’t cashed, you may even get invited back next year.
